On the move and on the take. When news breaks, we fix it.

Whenever I happen to be in a new city on vacation, I inevitably wind up watching at least one local news program. You'd think this would create a sense of continuity- they have news in Iowa, we have news in Alabama. But I actually feel even more disoriented, as if I were listening in on someone else's dirty little secrets. "Stuckeyville police arrested Clem Foster of Dogpile Flats for indecent exposure and illegal possession of fireworks today..." I just know some local viewer is shaking her head and muttering 'Oh, that Foster boy. He just ain't right. Got himself all naked with those bottle rockets again.' All I can do is nod my head in sympathy and make a note to avoid the Dogpile Flats exit after Clem makes bail.

I never understand why local news anchors make a habit of explaining another anchor's absence. "I'm Derrick Smith. Doug Jones has the evening off." Well, that just tears it. CLICK.
It's not like I'm going to miss out on some subtle nuance of the city council meeting if Doug Jones calls in sick.

Our local news channels seem to get the same advice from the same image consultants, but they come out with completely fifferent results. One homework assignment is to come up with three concise words to convey the station's outlook on newsgathering. The CBS affiliate went with "First. Live. Local". Punchy. Empty. Obvious.

The competing NBC affiliate countered with alliteration: "Dedicated. Determined. Dependable." I'm. A. People. Person. At least the NBC people knew how to unpack their adjectives. I'm not convinced the idea was to sell the journalistic sizzle to the viewers, but to make sure it fits on a bumper sticker.

It also surprises me to watch other local broadcasts and realize what a zoo it really is back home. I'll watch a larger television market and every single anchor, meteorologist, field reporter and sports anchor has a hammerlock on his or her emotions. The entire half-hour goes by like clockwork. Once I get back home, it's like the inmates are running the asylum. "Now here's Dan with the weather... Dan, I understand you had a little problem with women's underwear last night, heh heh heh...Yes, Jerry, I was trying to find something you could wear on the air tomorrow...wokka, wokka, wokka." It's the Muppet Show...it's the local news... It's the Muppet Show AND the local news.

It's enough to drive me to bumper stickers: " Newswatcher Mike P: Mental. Muddled. Maladjusted."