I wanted to like this movie, I really, really did.  I liked writer-director Steven Sommer's earlier efforts, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns.  I like action-adventure, and the notion of turning Bram Stoker's erudite little old professor of vampirology into an action hero sounded like a hoot.   And Hugh Jackman?  Rowr.

But this movie strikes me as - you should excuse the expression - bloodless.  It has no heart.  It's a 2+ hour roller-coaster of non-stop action that never bothers to take the time to introduce us to the hero and let us know why we should be rooting for him.  Perhaps the producers figured that "Hugh Jackman. Rowr." was enough to establish rooting interest.  Sorry, Hugh, but no.

Okay, but what's it about?  Well, it's about Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman).  He fights evil, that's what he does.  Background?  We're never told.  Van Helsing himself doesn't even know.  Yep, we're talking amnesia.  But does the movie ever clear that up, either for Van Helsing or the viewer?  Nooooooo!  No time to talk, we need more ACTION!

Van Helsing works for a secret organization based in the Vatican.  His boss is a Cardinal.  He's sent on missions to vanquish evil.   This time, his mission is to go to Transylvania and slay Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh).  And it is humorous to see him getting 'geared up' like a 19th century James Bond.  He's also assigned a sidekick, equipment guru friar Carl (David Wenham). 

In Transylvania, Van Helsing and Carl meet up with Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale).  Killing Dracula has been her family's project for nine generations.  No luck so far.  Anna is the love interest that has become standard in action movies recently, the warrior-woman as bristling with weaponry as the hero.  (Please, Hollywood, can we just every so often be treated to a romantic couple in an action movie who meet some way other than balletic combat?) 

We know this is a different kind of vampire movie when the village is attacked by The Brides of Dracula.  These vampire women sprout wings and fly, and attack during the daylight so long as it's cloudy.  (Sigh - Buffy The Vampire Slayer has a lot to answer for in their rewrite of vampire lore, turning vampires from Creatures Of The Night into Creatures Of Keep Out Of Direct Sunlight.) 

Still, party of intrepid vampire hunters taking on Count Dracula - sounds fairly standard, right?  But wait, there's more!  There's also Dr. Frankenstein and his monster, there are werewolves, there are are vampire 'eggs' by the thousand, slimy dripping hanging pods a la Aliens.  There are everything but mummies, perhaps because Steven Sommers already did mummies.

There's falling from great heights, there's swinging through the air on massive ropes, there are explosions and fires...

And after a while, it all starts looking the same.  All the villainous beasts morph into very similar creatures, several times human sized with foot long teeth.    Even the big set-piece final battle winds up being between two large inhuman beasts. 

It's all a bit too computer generated.  "What!" you say, "Computer graphics are the latest thing in movie special effects!"

I wasn't talking about the special effects.

I was talking about the script.

Back to Joyce's Pix of the Flix