Second-guessing and self loathing

Most of the time, my self-esteem is just fine. It goes about its business, reminding me that I'm okay and doing better the average bear. But every once in a while, it goes on vacation.

It may start with a rejection, but more often than not it happens when I am hearing nothing at all. Take the most recent example. I queried someone about a writing position. The head of the firm responding in a positive, upbeat manner and asked me to express interest in categories.

I did so, and mentioned I was about to head out of town for a few days. He responded that it was no problem, he thought one of the categories I mentioned would be fine and that we should discuss it more detail upon my return. Good. Self-confidence was still in place.

A couple days later (as I checked email remotely from vacation), he sent a message indicating I should review a pre-approved topic list for categories. In addition, it showed the topic I had first mentioned, but assigned to someone else.

I responded that if that topic was not available, I would be interested in one of several others on the list and I stated them.

Heard nothing. Okay. Well, he knew I was out of town, right? No worries.

Returned home. Emailed him a cheery message that I was ready to discuss categories. Heard nothing.

Asked another writer who I knew had been in contact with him if she'd been in touch. Yup. Had just been talking with him He's definitely working.

Okay. He is busy. Wait a few days.

The weekend comes. Wait until Monday.

Okay, Monday comes and the other writer has had a lovely phone chat with him and secured 2 topics. I have heard nothing. I send off an email. Another writer chats with him.

This is where it starts. Did I make some dreadful faux pas in one of my emails? No, they were all very professional and innocuous. Am I just irritating? He looked at my writing samples before and they haven't changed. Did he suddenly realize he was getting apps from people far more qualified/talented/skilled/insert-superlative-here than I ? Am I so irritating he couldn't stand me just from my short emails? Did an angel come from above and tell him I am not the one?

Just the self doubt would be okay, but it is often accompanied with an uncomfortable nervousness and anxiety - almost like when you have too much adrenalin, but not nearly as happy -- as well as an obsession with checking email to see if he has finally responded.

I try to set it out of my mind, but the other tasks on my plate for today are the most dreaded of chores - balancing and reconciling accounts. I'd rather write about the innards of competition tractors.

So, I stare at the numbers and try not to think about the rejection by omission. Not very successfully, I might add.